Monday, November 15, 2010

Something funnie I found in our apartment.

Just read it and print and send back if you want.

Dear Miss ___________________________

Due to the fact that there is such a great demand for returned missionaries even so that there is confusion among the Daughters of Zion, we, the Elders of Israel, have established the RM-7000 form, which we feel will greatly eliminate the confusion which now exists.

Your complete cooperation is needed in filling out this form. Use only the most correct and the most pertinent information. Please circle all appropriate answers and explain, in detail, all "other" answers. Feel free to add pages to appropriately answer any questions. Please use and ink pen (HINT: use a bright color.) Do not use crayon or lipstick, except where requested.

You are encouraged to return this questionnaire as soon as it is possible and convenient for you. Please return it to the address on the envelope. It is also required that a recent "keep-a-missionary-happy" photo of yourself be included with this completed form. Please!!!

In filling out this form, dear sister, we ask that you be yourself. Don't write what we want to see, write what you are. And keep in mind 2 Nephi 9:34 which reads: "Wo unto the liar, for he (or she) shall be thrust (not pushed, not shoved, but THRUST) down to hell."

Thank you for your cooperation

Sincerely Yours,

Elder __________________

Missionary for The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-Day Saints

P.S. In the event that you have already obtained your "Mrs." degree, we ask that you not return this form. Instead, please pass it on to a female friend and instruct her to fill it out and return it. Of course, if you have not received your "Mrs." degree, we would like to remind you that it is crucial to maintain an "open mind."


Full Name ____________________________________________________________
Memorable Names (describe origins) _________________________________________
Address _____________________________________________________________
Phone Number___________Age (remember 2 Nephi 9:34) _________ Birthday ________
Birthplace__________________________ If from Tasmania does your family tree fork Y/N
Height____________ Weight _________________ Eye Color __________________
Bust _______________ Waist ________________ Hips ____________________
Dress size _______________ Ring size _______________ Shoe size ________________
Hair Color __________________________ Natural Hair Color ____________________
Is your hair: long, short, wavy, curly, straight, ratty, Afro, gone, other?__________________
Were you: born, hatched, adopted, found on porch, washed ashore, kidnapped, and Angel descended from heaven, other?______________________________________________
What type of girl are you: farmer's daughter, city slicker, hippie, cowgirl, beach bum, suburbanite, Molly Mormon, rural rebel, bishop's daughter, other?_____________________
What is your lineage: Ephraim, Manasseh, Judah, Cain, other?________________________


Where is your family from: Utah (you poor girl), Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Sweden, Venus, The Amazon, other?_________________________________________________________
Does your family have a history of: cancer, aids, mental illness, horse thieve, alcoholism, inactivity, cannibalism, other? (explain any circled answers) _________________________
How many brothers do you have?____ Sisters?____ Can they be bribed: Y/N
With what and how much: _________________________________________________
Do your parents approve of returned missionaries: Y/N If not, why are they so hard-hearted?
Does your father own a gun: Y/N If yes, how big?______________ Is he a good shot: Y/N
Does your father hunt? Y/N Would you like to hunt? Y/N
What is your father's occupation: ________________ Your mother's: _________________
How many times have you moved: _____ Where:________________________________
How many dogs do you have:______ Do they bite: Y/N if yes, how hard: ________________
What is their (its) favorite treat: ___________________________________________
Do you own any interesting pets: Y/N Explain:___________________________________


What would you like to do on our first (next) date: go to the movies, go to a drive in, go park, go dancing, play Nintendo, go park, play chess, go bowling, go park, go to a concert, go play miniature golf, go park, go on a picnic, go to a musical, go park, walk along the beach, go park, cook dinner for me, watch a football game, go park, read poetry, wash my car, go park, elope, other, go park?
Will you kiss on the first date: Y/N (Notice the direct "Will you" question. If no, please explain.)
When kissing, do you : close your eyes, keep your eyes open, close one eye, cross your eyes, other(why is that?) ______________________________________________________
On a date, are you: nervous, calm, cold, happy to see me, warm, abusive, friendly, affectionate, aggressive, passionate, "Oh Boy!", other? ______________________________________
Is it important that our first (next) few dates have a car? Y/N Why: ____________________
Do you have a car: Y/N if yes, what kind and what condition: _________________________
What are your preferences for dating transportation: Porsche, VW, Lexus, BMW, 4x4 truck, mountain bike, skateboard, roller blades, bus, motorcycle, horseback, shopping cart, walking, horse drawn carriage, baby carriage, piggyback, other _____________________________
What are your favorite foods: Macaroni & Cheese, tube steak, Happy Meals, veal, BBQ chicken, sandwiches (white or wheat), calamari, shrimp, curry, liver & onions, oysters, other _________
What are your favorite drinks: water, 7-up, Sprite, (come one, is there really a difference?), Coke, Dr. Pepper, Milk, Jack Daniels, other _____________________________________


How often do you attend church: never, everyday, every week, 2x/month, once a month, Christmas & Easter (Wow! A Catholic Mormon, nice to meet you), only for weddings and funerals, other _________________________________________________________
Are you a member of the "only true church upon the face of the Earth": Y/N
If not, will you be baptised this Saturday at 7pm? Y/N (Again, notice the direct "Will you" question)
Do you smoke: Y/N Have you ever: Y/N Did you get caught Y/N
If yes, by who: ___________ Explain ________________________________________
Which of the following have you completed: college, high school, girls camp, elementary school, school for the deaf, other __________________________________________________
What school(s), if any, are you now attending: ___________________________________
What are your musical preferences: Mormon Tabernacle choir, Mormon Youth Symphony, Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey, Garth Brooks, The Corrs, B* Witched (if so, burn this form!), Baby-Face, Back Street Boys, The Off Spring (Again, burn this form!), Kenny G (AGAIN!!!), other _______________________________________________________
Describe your sense of humor: ______________________________________________
Are you presently employed: Y/N Where: ______________________________________
How do you feel about early retirement for husbands: ______________________________
Can you cook: Y/N if not, will you learn: Y/N List your best dishes _____________________
Can you sew: Y/N Sew what? _________________________ If not, will you learn Y/N
Do you were your own clothes: Y/N if not, whose do you wear: _______________________
What do you like to wear: dresses, skirts, jeans, mini-skirts, shorts, t-shirts, sweaters, bikini, nothing (1 Cor. 11:15), other _______________________________________________
What type of reading do you enjoy: romance, mysteries, westerns, sci-fi, fantasy, text books, comic, bathroom walls, newspapers, love letters, obituaries, Cosmopolitan, other, Scriptures (I see what you circled last!)
List any and all instruments you play: _____________________ Will you serenade me: Y/N
What is your favorite form of recreation: swimming, tennis, basketball, parking, horse-back riding, camping, volleyball, hunting, golf, tic-tac-toe, water/snow skiing, other _____________
What topics are you knowledgeable in: cars, sports, music, art, massage (10 pt. bonus), Earth science, physics, drafting, carpentry, welding, remedial spelling, boys -- (for the sake of peace, we ask you not to name them,) me (would you like to know more: Y/N like what:___________
Have you ever attempted to wait for a missionary before: Y/N How long did you wait: 10 days (poor guy), 1 month, 2 months, 4 months, 7 months and 1 day (poor guy), 1 year, 18 months, 23 months, 2 years (you poor girl), other _________________________________________
Who dumped who, and why: _______________________________________________
Did you date him when he got home: Y/N Is he a recluse: Y/N is he bald: Y/N
Would you wait for another: Y/N Explain: ______________________________________
Do you want to marry in the temple: Y/N Why: __________________________________
Which temple: ______________________ Why: ______________________________
How long of an engagement do you want: 2hrs, 3 days, 2 wks, 1 month, 2 months, 6 months (come on, lets not play hard to get!), other ______________________________________
Describe your ideal honeymoon (feel free to add extra pages for any details)
How do you feel about polygamy: ____________________________________________
How many kids do you want: 0,1,2,3,4,5,8,15,50,144,3630 (Ezra 2:35) other______________
Why ________________________________________________________________
What field would you like you husband to be in: __________________________________
Why? (what exactly am I going to go through for you) _____________________________
Will you help out with any financial difficulties: Y/N Will you cause any Y/N
Where do you want to live: __________________ Why: __________________________
Do you have relatives near there: Y/N
Will they visit for long periods of time: Y/N
Have you ever been dropped by a boy Y/N Why: _________________________________
Have you ever dropped a boy: Y/N Literally: Y/N Why:____________________________
Have you ever backed out of a an important agreement: Y/N If yes, explain ______________
Have you ever beat up a boy (besides family): Y/N if yes , explain(for my saftey) __________


What are your favorite bumper stickers: _______________________________________
What, if any, hobbies do you have: ___________________________________________
Are you a sweet spirit: Y/N In your own choice way: Y/N explain _____________________
Do you keep a diary: Y/N Am I in it: Y/N If yes, what does it say: ____________________
Which games do you like to play: Risk, Life, strip poker, Snakes & Ladders, Trivial Pursuit, roulette, twister, D&D, Scripture chasing, truth or dare, spin the bottle, quarters, Monopoly, duck-duck-goose, chess, Mother may I, other ___________________________________
Are you hard to live with: Y/N Why: _________________________________________
Have you had your tonsils removed: Y/N Would you like to Y/N
Do you currently have a boyfriend: Y/N How big: ____ Does he have a 4x4: Y/N
Does he have a gun: Y/N If yes, how big: _____ Does he know martial arts: Y/N
Do any of your ex-boyfriends fit the above categories: Y/N which ones: _________________
Are they the jealous type: Y/N Will they act on their anger: Y/N How: __________________
Do you were curlers at night: Y/N How many: _______ How big: _____________________
Are you susceptible to: flattery, tender loving, sweet nothings, age, money, a runny nose, masculine charms, drugs, animal magnetism, older men going bald, the Spirit, other _________
Please make lipstick kisses below. If flavored, please specify.



Use separate sheets as needed.
In 100 words or less, tell how you feel about (insert Missionary's home town our mission)
In 200 words or less, tell how you feel about returned missionaries.
In 1000 words or more, tell how you feel about me. Don't get carried away. List all the great things you've heard about me. You may need several extra pages.
Will you be available on my release date on (insert Missionary's release date)? Y/N



This is your space to remark on anything you feel would be of interest to me. Any special interest, activities, or talents, that might make you stand out from the rest of the applicants would be helpful. If there is anything that you can do to help us come to a quicker decision, please let me know at this time. Good luck!
(HINT: Use your imagination.)

Again, dear sister, any cookies, candy, and photos would be most helpful, and certainly necessary to help classify your application, besides boosting the moral and gaining the undivided attention of this elder. Thank you for your cooperation and your words of encouragement through letters, post cards, care packages, and phone calls. Keep up the good work!!!

I, ____________________________, do hereby certify that all the questions and reports have been answered to the best of my ability and so hereby certify them to be correct and honest to the best of my knowledge.

(Hint: Perfume of a special scent has been found to aid the receiver in the tallying and filing process.)

(signature of applicant)

(signature of first witness)

(signature of second witness -- 2 Cor 13: 1)


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